Birthday Resolutions

I had no idea what my resolutions were in January. I came up with three back then and have stuck well with one, okay with another and crashed and burned on the third. But I am okay with that as I did not share them as I pretty much knew that was the case. These ones I am sharing, which is weird as I realised I am so much more intrinsically than extrinsically motivated, which was a surprise to me. I thought recognition was a bigger factor than it was, but it turns out the person I least want to disappoint is myself.

If I share my goals I am usually more likely to self sabotage but I have been slipping up and revealing some on twitter and in conversations, so excluding my three from January, my goals for my 35th orbit of the sun (assuming we all survive) are as follows:

  1. Finish my novel. I have 12,000 words and 30,000 to go. If it is awful and never gets published, so be it. I just really want to finish my first draft this year.
  2. Get at least one (more) poem published. I have one poem due to be published in an anthology coming out this year. It has made me keen to write and publish more.
  3. Stop dating men who relate to Ethan Hawke characters. This one is more flippant but also kind of true and useful. It may mean not dating at all. I am fine with that. See also: I am not your manic pixie dream girl.
  4. Figure out what I want to do next. I made decisions based on a life I am not going to have now. So now I have a lot of options open to me. On one level that is scary but on another it is so very exciting. I want to make things happen.
  5. Go to Modena. Basically I watched the Chef’s Table about Massimo Bottura and then tweeted the following:

The good thing is I realised I could go to Modena on my own! I hope to do that or at least have it planned and booked by my next birthday.

I think that is plenty of resolution to be getting on with, particularly given the scope of number 4. I think this year could be personally exciting for me. I hope I am right!

On Selling Myself Short

A few weeks ago, on a date we were talking about our careers (well his career) and I said that I thought my strength was in taking other people’s creative ideas and making them happen. As he explained his is in both having the idea and making it happen I realised I was selling myself short. I make creative ideas reality all the time, both mine and other people’s, I just have not been doing so in a work context lately.

Problem solving is something I love doing, making things happen is the thing that drives me. Making things is something that makes me very happy. This blog is an example of that! I might not have come up with the excellent name which was suggested by my friend John, and the artwork was commissioned from Jemma at Dorkface but that doesn’t stop this being my creation. I have a vision for what I want this little part of the internet to look like and be. I commissioned Jemma because her amazing artwork went with what I wanted for my blog. We talked and exchanged ideas and she got my vibe. I am super-duper excited for May when I move over to .org and can add plug ins and customise and get under the hood of this blog and get it working the way I really want it to. For now I am concentrating on making content that is what and where I want it to be.

When I first started blogging it was back on livejournal and it was basically a poorly typed online journal or diary. Please do not look for and read those posts, they are embarrassingly poorly written and structured for someone who has been writing all her life. You would not, on reading those self-absorbed rambles, realise that at 11 I was picked out as a gifted young writer. You would think I needed to get the heck out of my head, get outdoors and stop being so obsessed with boys. You would be right.

When I moved to WordPress I had ideas about what I wanted to do with this space from a writing perspective but these were somewhat derailed by life events. These took me off course for a while from where I wanted to be. Now I have the chance to make this the space I want it to be. And at the same time the chance to make my life what I want it to be. And when working out what comes next, I know one thing; I’m not going to sell myself short.

He said what?!

On Monday I posted a blog in praise of being single and here is a blog with more reasons I am single. Arguably I am still single because I don’t want to be in a relationship really. When I was recently dumped/rejected by a guy I thought I really liked, after some angry fist waving I realised the main things I felt were relief that it was over and annoyance that I had not been able to get him over to my flat to change the light-bulb in my bedroom.  This post however, collates some of the most terrible things people have said to me in a dating context which is another reason:

On Tinder (opening message)

“Anal?”

“You are hot! If I bought you some silky underwear and short black skirt would you wear it?”

On WhatsApp (after progressing from Tinder):

Him: Are all your pictures recent?

Me: From the last year, so yes. Are yours?

Him: No

Me: Can you send me a more recent picture

Him: [picture]

Me: I meant of your face!

(When I was going to London for Mark’s memorial) “Have a good trip to London.”

At Speed Dating

Him: You look like a feminist

Me: [laughs] Yes, yes I am

Him: You know you’re wrong though.

On a date

“Your breasts are not that big really, you are, maybe a D, E? My sister is an H.”

“Everyone in India is an asshole” (um, um?)

“I only kiss girls if I really like them . . . I like you”

“I’m moving to Australia in 3 months” (we had just sat down and not yet ordered, so this was three minutes in!)

“Chinese people are so rude!” (we were in a Chinese restaurant)

What is the worst thing someone has said to you on a date? Do you think I should try again, or is my pure relief that I don’t have to date someone a sign to keep away a little longer?