Sit Rep: February 2017

Here is an update on where my life is at the end of February 2017:

Relationship Status: Hopelessly in love with a gay, teenage, fictional vampire.

Financial Status: Made some massive progress this month. Feel like I might be capable of being a real life human adult.

Mostly wearing: My (faux) leather jacket and trainers whenever I can (I always can)

Mostly eating: warm granola with oat milk, bananas, cinnamon and raisins. It is lush

Mostly listening to: Pod Save America Podcasts, Only God Knows by Young Fathers on REPEAT (it is that good, please listen) and Sampha‘s new album Process

Mostly drinking: Tea and water as per usual.

Mostly buying: this shirt and this movie to go with it oh and this raincoat too because Spring is coming.

Steps taken:

Major events: The memorial for Mark was this month. It was moving and beautiful and a deeply emotional experience for me. You can read the transcript here.

My favourite things I have written this month:

 

My favourite things other people have written this month:

 

 

How was your February?

Birthday Resolutions

I had no idea what my resolutions were in January. I came up with three back then and have stuck well with one, okay with another and crashed and burned on the third. But I am okay with that as I did not share them as I pretty much knew that was the case. These ones I am sharing, which is weird as I realised I am so much more intrinsically than extrinsically motivated, which was a surprise to me. I thought recognition was a bigger factor than it was, but it turns out the person I least want to disappoint is myself.

If I share my goals I am usually more likely to self sabotage but I have been slipping up and revealing some on twitter and in conversations, so excluding my three from January, my goals for my 35th orbit of the sun (assuming we all survive) are as follows:

  1. Finish my novel. I have 12,000 words and 30,000 to go. If it is awful and never gets published, so be it. I just really want to finish my first draft this year.
  2. Get at least one (more) poem published. I have one poem due to be published in an anthology coming out this year. It has made me keen to write and publish more.
  3. Stop dating men who relate to Ethan Hawke characters. This one is more flippant but also kind of true and useful. It may mean not dating at all. I am fine with that. See also: I am not your manic pixie dream girl.
  4. Figure out what I want to do next. I made decisions based on a life I am not going to have now. So now I have a lot of options open to me. On one level that is scary but on another it is so very exciting. I want to make things happen.
  5. Go to Modena. Basically I watched the Chef’s Table about Massimo Bottura and then tweeted the following:

The good thing is I realised I could go to Modena on my own! I hope to do that or at least have it planned and booked by my next birthday.

I think that is plenty of resolution to be getting on with, particularly given the scope of number 4. I think this year could be personally exciting for me. I hope I am right!

On Selling Myself Short

A few weeks ago, on a date we were talking about our careers (well his career) and I said that I thought my strength was in taking other people’s creative ideas and making them happen. As he explained his is in both having the idea and making it happen I realised I was selling myself short. I make creative ideas reality all the time, both mine and other people’s, I just have not been doing so in a work context lately.

Problem solving is something I love doing, making things happen is the thing that drives me. Making things is something that makes me very happy. This blog is an example of that! I might not have come up with the excellent name which was suggested by my friend John, and the artwork was commissioned from Jemma at Dorkface but that doesn’t stop this being my creation. I have a vision for what I want this little part of the internet to look like and be. I commissioned Jemma because her amazing artwork went with what I wanted for my blog. We talked and exchanged ideas and she got my vibe. I am super-duper excited for May when I move over to .org and can add plug ins and customise and get under the hood of this blog and get it working the way I really want it to. For now I am concentrating on making content that is what and where I want it to be.

When I first started blogging it was back on livejournal and it was basically a poorly typed online journal or diary. Please do not look for and read those posts, they are embarrassingly poorly written and structured for someone who has been writing all her life. You would not, on reading those self-absorbed rambles, realise that at 11 I was picked out as a gifted young writer. You would think I needed to get the heck out of my head, get outdoors and stop being so obsessed with boys. You would be right.

When I moved to WordPress I had ideas about what I wanted to do with this space from a writing perspective but these were somewhat derailed by life events. These took me off course for a while from where I wanted to be. Now I have the chance to make this the space I want it to be. And at the same time the chance to make my life what I want it to be. And when working out what comes next, I know one thing; I’m not going to sell myself short.